Posted by John Cassidy
Barack Obama called Mitt Romney Wednesday morning to congratulate him on assembling enough delegates to secure the Republican nomination. “President Obama said that he looked forward to an important and healthy debate about America’s future, and wished Governor Romney and his family well throughout the upcoming campaign,” Ben LaBolt, an Obama campaign spokesman, said. Aides to Romney confirmed the conversation had taken place, and said it was cordial. But how might it have gone? Perhaps something like this:
An upscale hotel suite out West. The phone rings, and one of Mitt Romney’s aides picks it up.
WOMAN’S VOICE: Hello, this is the White House operator. Is that Governor Romney’s room? I have the President on the line.
ROMNEY MINION: Sure you do. Who is this—“The Colbert Report” or Howard Stern?
WHITE HOUSE OPERATOR: I’m serious, sir. This is the President calling for Governor Romney.
ROMNEY MINION: Hold on a minute, madam. Governor, there’s a lady here who says she’s the White House operator and she has President Obama on the line. [Muffled voices.] O.K. madam. I’m sorry for making a joke. Governor Romney will be right with you.
THE MITTSTER: Good morning, this is Mitt Romney. I’d be delighted to talk with the President. Please put him through.
WHITE HOUSE OPERATOR: Thank you, Governor. The President will be right with you.
THE POTUS: Good morning, Governor. I just wanted to say congratulations on wrapping up the nomination. Having slugged it out with Hillary four years ago, I think I know something of what you’ve been through. Michelle and I also wanted to pass on our best wishes to you and Ann for the rest of the campaign. Obviously, it’s going to be a long and hard-fought battle, but I hope we can have an honest and good-natured debate about what’s best for the country. The American people expect us to maintain a certain level of civility.
THE MITTSTER: Thank you. Mr. President. And all best wishes to you and your family, too. Setting politics aside, Ann and I have greatly admired how you, Michelle, and the girls have conducted yourselves over the past four years. I also echo your sentiments about keeping up the tone. The next time I refer to you as a radical former community organizer leading the country in a direction fundamentally alien to its values, or as a nice guy totally out of his depth with no idea how to fix the economy, I can assure you it won’t be personal.
THE POTUS: That’s very amusing, Mitt. It’s good to have a sense of humor. Maybe you should show it more often—no, don’t do that, it might help you in the polls. Anyway, I hear what you say. Next time I call you a cold-hearted vulture capitalist who has the blood of tens of thousands of patriotic, God-fearing American workers on his hands, please don’t take that personally, either. And don’t believe that stuff in this week’s New York magazine about my campaign trying to depict you as a right-wing dinosaur from the nineteen-fifties who’s going to ban abortion, birth control, and reality TV. That’s just Axe and the boys getting a little overexcited.
THE MITTSTER: Of course, Mr. President. I understand: politics ain’t beanbag. My guys up in Boston will be taking a few shots, too, but I’ve told them to stay away from Jeremiah Wright, the dog-eating, and the birthers. There’s some stuff that’s off limits, even if my new pal Donald Trump hasn’t got the message. Not quite sure what to do about him.
THE POTUS: I feel your pain, Mitt. I do. That’s one thing I don’t have to worry about this year: rich supporters making asses of themselves. Outside of Hollywood, Silicon Valley, and Omaha, Nebraska, I don’t have any. They are all sending checks to you—or to Karl Rove’s Super PAC. What was that figure I heard this morning? By the election, you and your allies will have spent $1.5 billion? That’s a lot of money, Mitt, even for somebody in private equity.
THE MITTSTER: O.K., O.K., Mr. President. Let’s leave Bain Capital out of this, at least for today. Wasn’t it Tony James of the Blackstone Group that you had dinner with in New York the other week? As I said on Fox News yesterday, the American people don’t resent success. They admire it.
THE POTUS: We’ll see about that, Mitt. I’ve got to go now—Joe Biden’s got another bright idea he wants to share with me. I’ll catch up with you in September at the debates. How about we do half a dozen of them in prime time, head-to-head, no interlocutors? Not exactly Lincoln-Douglas, but something similar. Folks will love it, and imagine how mad it will make Newt.
THE MITTSTER: Nice try, Mr. President, nice try. Now I know why you really called. I have to go, too—yet another fund-raising lunch, then a private meeting with Condi Rice, who may or may not be on my veep short list. One last thing, Mr. President: If I pick Condi, will you try and trump me with Hillary?
THE POTUS: Atta-boy, Mitt. You’re getting the hang of this game. See you out there on the stump. And by the way, twenty dollars says LeBron takes down the Celtics in five.
THE MITTSTER: Mr. President, you’re on. As a good Mormon, you know I don’t gamble. But let’s call it a friendly wager, with the winnings going to charity. Have a good day.
Click.
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